PARENTAL ANGST

From the moment we become parents we realize that for the rest of our lives we will never truly have a peaceful night's rest.  Not really.  Once you lay your eyes on that baby you know in that instant that for the rest of your life you will always worry about them... small things, large things, insignificant things... all things.  With each milestone achieved you will declare that this is the stage in your child's life that you want to freeze and keep them there forever, until the next milestone, etc...  Every time you think that you can't possibly love them more or enjoy them more then by some miraculous intervention you discover that you do.  Somehow those endless sleepless nights in the beginning that leave you so far beyond exhaustion eventually give way to more restful nights.  The pendulum eventually swings the other direction in which those nights that lack rest are the ones in which you are awake waiting for a fever to break, awaiting the phone call letting you know that they are safe or waiting for them to walk through the door and know that they are safely under your roof so that you can finally go to sleep.

In between those stages there are a million different experiences you will have with your children that will cause your heart to ache and to burst with joy.  There is nothing that can prepare us as parents for the first time your child comes home with a river of tears because they have had their feelings hurt or for their first inconsolable heartbreak.  Those are the moments that you realize there is nothing you can say that will make them feel any better; you can only hold them and love them and tell them that it will pass. All those things that we want to shield our children from that are unavoidable in life.  We want to protect them forever and realize that we cannot.  Each time your child is in pain whether it is emotional or due to some physical injury your heart feels like it is being torn from your chest and at that moment you would give anything to trade places with them in the hopes that you could somehow spare them their agony.

Our hearts swell with pride at the accomplishments achieved and by watching our children do more than they thought they were capable of.  The older they get the faster the time goes by and all the wishing in the world won't slow it down.  Each school year seems to fly by faster and faster as your child grows taller and taller.  Eventually they need you less and less (for their basic needs) and begin to declare their independence (at least in public) which is gut wrenching to endure.  It is hard when they no longer want to be read a bedtime story or wish to hold your hand or think that you are the most magical person in the world because you mysteriously solve all things...

I like to peek on each of my children after they are asleep and before I retire at night.  As I look at their peaceful faces I can still catch glimpses of the babies I cradled in my arms.  If I look at my 13 year old's hands I can still remember how it felt when they fit snugly in mine and when she would look up at me with eyes that thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world.  When I see my 11 year old fixing her own hair in the mirror, I still see the reflection of a three year old standing on a step stool wearing my brand new lipstick all over her face.  When I hear my 9 year old singing a song while she practices her guitar, I still hear her singing one of her favorite nursery rhymes that she would beg me to listen to over and over.  And when I hear my 3 year old cry during a tantrum, sometimes he trails off into that same familiar cry that I first heard the moment he was born; the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.

Each day with our children is a gift, even the difficult ones.  We have them for such a short time before we send them out into the world.  Hopefully, if we have done a good job then they will be prepared and they will always return to us.  Don't say things in anger that you can never take back for they last a lifetime.  Be patient above all things as it will come back to you tenfold.  Be honest, even when it's hard. Be their parent rather than their "friend", as that will come later.  Always part on good terms.  Never say goodbye with distance between you.  Make sure that you tell them that you love them every single day without exception and be the person that they can always depend on, as others will surely let them down.

Parenthood is our biggest demonstration of faith as human beings.  There is no instruction booklet and nothing but contradicting information from every angle.  We somehow have faith that we can do what we think we aren't capable of doing from the moment they come into our lives until the moment we leave theirs.  Life is what happens in between and the lessons we teach them give them the tools to have their own faith in not only the world but also in themselves.