For those of you who are so generous with your time to take a moment out of your busy day to follow my blog, I first would like to thank you. I've been on an extended leave due to the fact that I didn't want to write a blog just for the sake of writing a blog. It's important for me to actually have something to say. I feel that in this newest age of technology & instant access to anything 24 hours a day, we are so desperate to stay relevant that sometimes we fall victim to the pressure of hitting the internet for fear of being "dropped"... whether by fellow bloggers, via Twitter, etc... I had an epiphany. Regardless of what anyone or any group might believe, we are all relevant with no expiration date.
Recently over the last few months I have been struggling with the powerless feeling of being forced to deal with things that are so frustrating & a waste of good energy. To quote my husband... energy vampires. I will explain. An energy vampire by definition is someone who sucks the life right out of you in every sense. They leave you feeling miserable, angry and exhausted. There is a very simple test you can do to know for sure if you have been attacked by an energy vampire. First, ask yourself if you avoid answering the phone whenever the person in question calls for fear of having your entire week ruined. Then you assess your feelings after you have had any contact with this person. If they leave you feeling absolutely hopeless & miserable, you must confront the monster by making them aware of how their words or actions are affecting you. If they are unable to acknowledge your feelings & simply go for the jugular with more mean spiritedness... you are indeed in the presence of an energy vampire who must be destroyed immediately.
Yes, yes I know... easier said than done, especially when you are RELATED to such a horrible creature or are at least forced to deal with them on a regular basis through circumstances beyond your control!!! Take comfort in the fact that you are not alone. Many of us are victims to such atrocities every single day. Since it is impossible to change other people's behavior, the only course of action is the choice you make when confronted with these people. One of the important lessons I have recently learned is that these people only have real power when we give it to them. Why do we do that? Why do we sit on the phone & listen to things we don't have to? Why do we answer the door when we don't want to? The answer is WE DON'T. Stop saying yes to things that you don't want and aren't good for you. You don't have to allow someone within your circle without your permission, even if they are your family or someone you have to deal with every day. Respect yourself enough not to be sucked in to their perpetual drama & sense of entitlement. It's funny how drama has a tendency to dwindle when there is no audience...
When you find your mind drifting to the place of worry and fear that is brought on by the actions of others, replace it with a pleasant thought or action. Make a commitment to yourself NOT to let another person who doesn't have your best interest in mind have control over your life. Own your thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, these bad influences in our lives don't deserve etiquette or political correctness... a heaping dose of the truth often is the best course of action for everyone! If we all make ourselves a priority then perhaps we can defeat these evil monsters & rid the world of them all.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
THE ART OF APPRECIATION
One of the most important life lessons that I am passing on to my children is the art of appreciation. I literally mean the word a-p-p-r-e-c-i-a-t-i-o-n in every aspect of one's life. I find that so many people are busy coveting what they don't have or focusing on what they wish they had that they never take a moment to truly appreciate the treasures they actually possess. We often day dream or fantasize of a different life or a different "piece" to our lives that the real tangibles get overlooked. I'm not talking about goals or aspirations either. I am referring to those unhealthy "I hate my life" moments. We've all had them and some of us more than others. The real tragedy is when you so want something more that you fail to appreciate what you have.
There is something so peaceful about the ability to be content. Life can be an endless treadmill to nowhere if you let it. Why do we compare our own worth to someone else? Why are our own standards determined by the actions of others? Why is it that we are so afraid of being labeled that we force ourselves and our families to fit into a box that was constructed by other people's needs for approval? The rush to keep up with others is an unfulfilling and exhausting waste of time. It accomplishes absolutely nothing except to make you feel like less of a person. It is a learned response to bad actions.
Take a few minutes either at the beginning or at the end of every day and list at least five things for which you are grateful. My guess is that it will be difficult to stop at just five once you actually put pen to paper and can "see" the reality of your life before you. The items on that list are often the very things that we take for granted... our health, our children's health, a job, a home, a car that starts each day or the comfort in knowing that you have a partner to share the ups and downs of life with. When you take stock of what you DO have in life something amazing usually happens... you realize that there is actually very little that you are lacking.
Ultimately no one will remember what dress you wore to which party or what car you were driving two years from now. Moments are what we remember rather than possessions. Don't leave things undone and unsaid. Rather than nagging your children about their socks on the floor, take a moment to remind them that they are your greatest accomplishment in life. Instead of complaining about the way your husband loaded the dishwasher, just say thank you and mean it. Before you go to sleep, tell everyone under your roof that you love them. Those are the "things" that stay with us forever...
There is something so peaceful about the ability to be content. Life can be an endless treadmill to nowhere if you let it. Why do we compare our own worth to someone else? Why are our own standards determined by the actions of others? Why is it that we are so afraid of being labeled that we force ourselves and our families to fit into a box that was constructed by other people's needs for approval? The rush to keep up with others is an unfulfilling and exhausting waste of time. It accomplishes absolutely nothing except to make you feel like less of a person. It is a learned response to bad actions.
Take a few minutes either at the beginning or at the end of every day and list at least five things for which you are grateful. My guess is that it will be difficult to stop at just five once you actually put pen to paper and can "see" the reality of your life before you. The items on that list are often the very things that we take for granted... our health, our children's health, a job, a home, a car that starts each day or the comfort in knowing that you have a partner to share the ups and downs of life with. When you take stock of what you DO have in life something amazing usually happens... you realize that there is actually very little that you are lacking.
Ultimately no one will remember what dress you wore to which party or what car you were driving two years from now. Moments are what we remember rather than possessions. Don't leave things undone and unsaid. Rather than nagging your children about their socks on the floor, take a moment to remind them that they are your greatest accomplishment in life. Instead of complaining about the way your husband loaded the dishwasher, just say thank you and mean it. Before you go to sleep, tell everyone under your roof that you love them. Those are the "things" that stay with us forever...
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
CHECK OUT THESE GREAT SITES!
Today I wanted to share a couple of wonderful sites I have found. It's always exciting to find a new blog or website that you want to share with everyone.
My book, THE HAPPY WIFE & THE HAPPY MOTHER is being featured as a guest blog topic today at http://imaginationcafeblog.blogspot.com. Be sure to visit her blog!
Also, FLWBooks just hit 100,000 Twitter followers this weekend. Hoping to find a good book to read over the Memorial Day weekend but don't have time to sift through a bookstore? They've done the looking for you! They have lists of "books that are so good that they keep you up past your bed time!" If you're looking for great book recommendations? Check out Flashlight Worthy."
Have a great day!
Monday, May 17, 2010
THE BEST GIFT A WIFE CAN GIVE HER HUSBAND
As wives we are asked to wear multiple hats... partner, confidante, friend, lover, organizer, nurturer, sounding block, magician, miracle worker and the list goes on and on. We are asked to give so much more than it seems we ourselves are given at times. Our capacity to handle a multitude of problems at once is staggering. I actually overheard my husband giving advice to a newlywed husband on the eve of his wedding. He whispered, "Your wife will be able to do so many things that it will make your head spin. She will instinctively know how to love and nurture your children. You will watch with amazement and simply be in awe of her... so just love her all the time." He had no idea that I heard him say those things but I have thought of that comment many times throughout our marriage. I remember that he thinks that of me those moments when I am the most frustrated with him or am feeling overworked and under-appreciated. He is in awe of me... Somehow, those words just give me the strength to push through the frustration and sometimes the tears.
It also makes me wonder where he finds his strength in his times of need. I hope it is me. A husband needs his wife to believe in him, even when he doesn't believe in himself... especially when he doesn't believe in himself. He needs your strength when he can't find his own courage and your support in the event of failure. He needs your comfort when he is broken and your wisdom when decisions need to be made. He needs you to build him up, especially in front of your children so that they have confidence in his ability to lead your family. He needs for you to believe in him, even if you are scared of where you are going. Trust in him. Most of all, he needs your unconditional love and the knowledge that you are proud of him regardless of his triumphs or failures. Your belief in him will give him the courage to be so much more than he knew was possible for himself.
Time is fleeting and once it is gone it is gone forever. Don't miss an opportunity to tell your husband that you are proud of him or that you genuinely appreciate him and all that he does for your family. Too often our praise is showered upon people who don't truly have a vested interest in our lives. Let there be nothing left unsaid or undone between you and know that the best gift you can give your husband is your faith in him.
It also makes me wonder where he finds his strength in his times of need. I hope it is me. A husband needs his wife to believe in him, even when he doesn't believe in himself... especially when he doesn't believe in himself. He needs your strength when he can't find his own courage and your support in the event of failure. He needs your comfort when he is broken and your wisdom when decisions need to be made. He needs you to build him up, especially in front of your children so that they have confidence in his ability to lead your family. He needs for you to believe in him, even if you are scared of where you are going. Trust in him. Most of all, he needs your unconditional love and the knowledge that you are proud of him regardless of his triumphs or failures. Your belief in him will give him the courage to be so much more than he knew was possible for himself.
Time is fleeting and once it is gone it is gone forever. Don't miss an opportunity to tell your husband that you are proud of him or that you genuinely appreciate him and all that he does for your family. Too often our praise is showered upon people who don't truly have a vested interest in our lives. Let there be nothing left unsaid or undone between you and know that the best gift you can give your husband is your faith in him.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Guest Blog by: Melanie Marie Shifflett Rider
It's my pleasure today to host a guest blog that celebrates the relationship most of us cherish the most, the one we have with our mother. Presented by XOXO Publishing, a book so touching you will all want to order a copy immediately titled, TEA FOR MOM & ME: AN ANTHOLOGY OF STORIES AND RECIPES ABOUT A MOTHER'S LOVE. A percentage of each book sold will be donated to the Canadian and American Cancer Societies. Enjoy!
http://www.xoxoxpublishing.com
Celebrating “Mom”:
“One Day to say Thank You”
“Mom’s” or “Mother’s” a day of their own to Thank them for all their caring and loving in our lives I do believe is not enough for these women who have sacrificed so much in our lives and centuries past and for centuries to come.
They have given their lives for us to survive and live better for all their compassion and efforts for our futures as their children.
They have fought men and famine and have traveled many miles in their lives.
They have endured husbands and wars and anything that stood in their way of raising children to better all of us.
Being raised Appalachian I have followed my families History and found they suffered quietly and followed their hearts for equality and happiness for thierselves and a better life for the children they raised.
A calm statement “women stand together and persevere in the volcanism’s of life”.
I sometimes boil at the statement” behind every success vile man stands a good women”.
I believe it should read” behind every man stands the backbone of our Country ,a women, a wife and a mother who has sacrificed all to survive and be given much more credit ”.
Women , mom, mother’s has been the backbone of all our lives.
They have survived hell on earth just to be strong and counted as equals in their own times.
We all would not be here today if it were not for the mom’s or mother’s that fought wars and tended mankind .
In documenting History I wonder how it could have all accomplished.
Looking deeply I can see they survived England and came to the New World and walked with a strength many could not have possessed.
Mankind would not have survived without the strength and the will of mother’s and their insight to raise their children with loving hearts and compassion the world over.
I do believe that no women ever stood behind a man but was God’s messenger for all mankind to have survived all the cruelties that beget centuries past and even today show compassion ,strength and abilities to make a better world yet for all their children to come as they have done so with courage in centuries past.
My belief in closing is we will one day have a Women President and yes, it will be a mom, mother, and that will have the strength and compassion needed to save the human race as she has always done in the past.
“Mother’s Day “ is an Honor to many women and today in Washington DC in the United States where a Museum being built by Donations for a Historical Women’s Museum that shows the bravery and strength that Honor’s our women , mom’s and mother’s finally for their roles in survival and compassion of our fellow men .
Yes compassion for our men as women have been the backbone and their strength the world over.
My hats off to XoXo Publishing™ a div of Ninni Group Inc. for seeing the insight into “Mother’s”,” mom’s. for their Anthology “Tea For Mom and Me” which has shown a Celebration to these women and also shows the compassion for Charity and a worthwhile help to Cancer and Life .
There is no greater medicine on earth than Love and Compassion and that is what
XoXo Publishing™ a div of Ninni Group Inc has created and possesses in the Anthology “Tea For Mom and Me”.
I so hope many will purchase their copy of this amazing Anthology to Celebrate Mom and to help so many others.
Melanie Marie Shifflett Ridner
http://www.xoxoxpublishing.com
Sunday, May 2, 2010
THE IMPORTANCE OF PUTTING YOUR CHILDREN AHEAD OF YOUR OWN AGENDA
We have a divorce rate in our society of over 50%. That means that there are homes in which children either live with only one of their biological parents and or a stepparent. Sometimes these environments can be unhealthy or even toxic for those children if either or both parents are engaged in psychological warfare with one another, whereby those children become collateral damage. Children in such situations find themselves unwilling and defenseless participants in a war that they have nothing to do with. Bitter or feuding former spouses often use their children as pawns as a means to hurt one another without ever considering the ramifications of such actions.
Children of divorced parents should NEVER be expected to choose one parent over the other when they are made up of and personally identify with both parents. Ex spouses who make disparaging remarks about one another fail to realize that every time they verbally attack the other parent, they are indeed attacking their child as well. A young child who doesn't have the maturity to voice their opposition to such remarks might remain silent for years, but eventually they grow up and develop a mind of their own and find their voice. By the time that happens they have usually learned to tune out EVERYTHING that a bitter parent says and decided that their parent has absolutely no credibility whatsoever.
Just because a divorced parent might see themselves as a victim doesn't mean that you can convince your child to see you in that capacity. No child wants to be given a guilt trip for not feeling the same way that a disgruntled parent feels about the other parent. To these children you become an energy vampire that drains the life from them and they will learn to simply avoid you at all costs... They almost never see things from your jaded perspective; they just resent the attempt to turn them against the other parent.
Teach your children that their hearts are like expandable balloons with an endless capacity for love. Why would you deny your child the opportunity to have a good relationship with someone who only wants to give their time and love to your child? It is selfish and immature to try to poison your child's mind against a stepparent because you are insecure. Think of how respected you might be if you could step outside of your own hatred and anger associated with a divorce, regardless of the events that led to it, and put your child's needs first. Can you honestly say that you want a person who will potentially spend a significant amount of time with your child when they are away from you to feel negatively toward them because your child won't open their heart to a stepparent without the fear of retribution from you?
Divorce is hard enough on children without brining in adult garbage to the equation. Children deserve the ability to grow up in a non hostile environment where their parents are people that they can trust and rely on. Manipulation of a child is a sin for which there is no absolution.
Children of divorced parents should NEVER be expected to choose one parent over the other when they are made up of and personally identify with both parents. Ex spouses who make disparaging remarks about one another fail to realize that every time they verbally attack the other parent, they are indeed attacking their child as well. A young child who doesn't have the maturity to voice their opposition to such remarks might remain silent for years, but eventually they grow up and develop a mind of their own and find their voice. By the time that happens they have usually learned to tune out EVERYTHING that a bitter parent says and decided that their parent has absolutely no credibility whatsoever.
Just because a divorced parent might see themselves as a victim doesn't mean that you can convince your child to see you in that capacity. No child wants to be given a guilt trip for not feeling the same way that a disgruntled parent feels about the other parent. To these children you become an energy vampire that drains the life from them and they will learn to simply avoid you at all costs... They almost never see things from your jaded perspective; they just resent the attempt to turn them against the other parent.
Teach your children that their hearts are like expandable balloons with an endless capacity for love. Why would you deny your child the opportunity to have a good relationship with someone who only wants to give their time and love to your child? It is selfish and immature to try to poison your child's mind against a stepparent because you are insecure. Think of how respected you might be if you could step outside of your own hatred and anger associated with a divorce, regardless of the events that led to it, and put your child's needs first. Can you honestly say that you want a person who will potentially spend a significant amount of time with your child when they are away from you to feel negatively toward them because your child won't open their heart to a stepparent without the fear of retribution from you?
Divorce is hard enough on children without brining in adult garbage to the equation. Children deserve the ability to grow up in a non hostile environment where their parents are people that they can trust and rely on. Manipulation of a child is a sin for which there is no absolution.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
THE VALUE OF BEING A GOOD LISTENER
We've all heard the old cliche that people love to talk about themselves and most of the time it is the truth. How many of us know people who are actually good listeners? For me there is nothing more frustrating than to try to have a conversation with someone who asks me a question and then moves on to another topic before I've even had a chance to answer! Ask yourself this question... When someone is talking to you are you truly engaged in what they are saying or are you already thinking about what YOU want to say next and actually just pretending to listen. Do you give the other person eye contact or are you distracted? If you answered yes to either one then you might not be a very good listener.
The good news is that it's never too late to learn how to be a better communicator. The problem most often is that we are usually distracted by the many other things going on either around us or in our heads. We are so used to having to "multi task" to get through the day that we often multi task through our conversations and relationships suffer in the process. If someone wants to have a conversation with you and you don't have the time to give them your full attention, give them the courtesy of letting them know that and offer to postpone the conversation until you can actually focus on the conversation. Realize that you aren't doing anyone any favors by pretending to be engaged in a conversation.
Remember also that you are a living example to your children every day. The way you interact with them is the way they will interact with the world. Teach them how to be good communicators through your example with them. If you are the one who is always talking then chances are you actually absorb very little information. There is much more to be learned by listening in almost every circumstance. The art of listening is also a good character trait. It demonstrates self restraint, kindness, generosity and compassion. By observation these are traits which are lacking in society today. If everyone took the time to slow down and consider someone else we would greatly improve the quality of our OWN lives in the process simply by default...
"It is better to be silent and be thought ignorant than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln
The good news is that it's never too late to learn how to be a better communicator. The problem most often is that we are usually distracted by the many other things going on either around us or in our heads. We are so used to having to "multi task" to get through the day that we often multi task through our conversations and relationships suffer in the process. If someone wants to have a conversation with you and you don't have the time to give them your full attention, give them the courtesy of letting them know that and offer to postpone the conversation until you can actually focus on the conversation. Realize that you aren't doing anyone any favors by pretending to be engaged in a conversation.
Remember also that you are a living example to your children every day. The way you interact with them is the way they will interact with the world. Teach them how to be good communicators through your example with them. If you are the one who is always talking then chances are you actually absorb very little information. There is much more to be learned by listening in almost every circumstance. The art of listening is also a good character trait. It demonstrates self restraint, kindness, generosity and compassion. By observation these are traits which are lacking in society today. If everyone took the time to slow down and consider someone else we would greatly improve the quality of our OWN lives in the process simply by default...
"It is better to be silent and be thought ignorant than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt." - Abraham Lincoln
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
TEACHING OUR CHILDREN THE IMPORTANCE OF "REAL" COMMUNICATION
Recently after a movie my husband and I witnessed something beyond bizarre in the lobby. We were "trying" to walk either behind, around or past a group of young teenage girls who were so busy texting that they were oblivious to the fact that they were walking in circles and actually going nowhere. The most disturbing part of this phenomenon was that they were texting each other!!! We didn't realize the absurdity of the situation until one girl said to another girl within a foot of her, "Hey, like what is your answer??? I just texted you and you didn't like text me back!!!" What neither of them realized was that they could have actually had a genuine conversation in less time. My husband and I just looked at one another trying to grasp the depth of insanity that we were witnessing. We both concluded that it was indeed an epidemic.
If these young people don't learn how to properly communicate with one another before adulthood then how are they expected to attain these skills? I have noticed an alarming trend in my household whereby it is becoming increasingly difficult to achieve eye contact when speaking to my teenage daughter. Her first reaction is to look down at approximately the place she would be holding her cell phone to text. This has led to some stricter guidelines in our home regarding technology. For example, whether we are eating in the dining room or dining out, there are no cell phones allowed, nor do we answer the house phone during dinner. There are no cell phones allowed in what I consider "common areas" such as the family room, game room or kitchen, etc... The are required to shut down all technology at 9:00 pm, including TV, computers, cell phones and ipods. Although the kindle is making literature and the written word accessible via our PC, I still prefer to hold an old fashioned book with real paper in my hands. I am encouraging my children to do the same on a regular basis. A book is far easier to hold your attention without the temptation of "clicking" to something else within a few seconds.
I have serious concerns about the lack of civility in our society that I believe is in part related to impersonal nature of "techno" or "cyber" communication. We often put very little thought into an email or a text message whereas if you are having a telephone conversation you are at least connected in a more personal sense and you are aware of your tone, manner and presentation, etc. People seldom make eye contact with other people, let alone smile at one another. How often do you see someone hold the door for another person or even worse fail to say "thank you" when someone actually does?
In this cyber age of living something has gotten lost along the way. I miss real cards with stamps and addresses on them; an e-card is just not the same. I would prefer a thank you note as opposed to an email. I believe that there is a balance between all things and that our youth are missing out on it. We have to teach them how to have real dialogue with their peers and authority figures so that they can actually have meaningful relationships with people in terms of something other than acronyms. Take the time to actually "talk" with your children and teach them the importance of civility and common courtesy as we shape what inevitable becomes our own future.
If these young people don't learn how to properly communicate with one another before adulthood then how are they expected to attain these skills? I have noticed an alarming trend in my household whereby it is becoming increasingly difficult to achieve eye contact when speaking to my teenage daughter. Her first reaction is to look down at approximately the place she would be holding her cell phone to text. This has led to some stricter guidelines in our home regarding technology. For example, whether we are eating in the dining room or dining out, there are no cell phones allowed, nor do we answer the house phone during dinner. There are no cell phones allowed in what I consider "common areas" such as the family room, game room or kitchen, etc... The are required to shut down all technology at 9:00 pm, including TV, computers, cell phones and ipods. Although the kindle is making literature and the written word accessible via our PC, I still prefer to hold an old fashioned book with real paper in my hands. I am encouraging my children to do the same on a regular basis. A book is far easier to hold your attention without the temptation of "clicking" to something else within a few seconds.
I have serious concerns about the lack of civility in our society that I believe is in part related to impersonal nature of "techno" or "cyber" communication. We often put very little thought into an email or a text message whereas if you are having a telephone conversation you are at least connected in a more personal sense and you are aware of your tone, manner and presentation, etc. People seldom make eye contact with other people, let alone smile at one another. How often do you see someone hold the door for another person or even worse fail to say "thank you" when someone actually does?
In this cyber age of living something has gotten lost along the way. I miss real cards with stamps and addresses on them; an e-card is just not the same. I would prefer a thank you note as opposed to an email. I believe that there is a balance between all things and that our youth are missing out on it. We have to teach them how to have real dialogue with their peers and authority figures so that they can actually have meaningful relationships with people in terms of something other than acronyms. Take the time to actually "talk" with your children and teach them the importance of civility and common courtesy as we shape what inevitable becomes our own future.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
PARENTAL ANGST
From the moment we become parents we realize that for the rest of our lives we will never truly have a peaceful night's rest. Not really. Once you lay your eyes on that baby you know in that instant that for the rest of your life you will always worry about them... small things, large things, insignificant things... all things. With each milestone achieved you will declare that this is the stage in your child's life that you want to freeze and keep them there forever, until the next milestone, etc... Every time you think that you can't possibly love them more or enjoy them more then by some miraculous intervention you discover that you do. Somehow those endless sleepless nights in the beginning that leave you so far beyond exhaustion eventually give way to more restful nights. The pendulum eventually swings the other direction in which those nights that lack rest are the ones in which you are awake waiting for a fever to break, awaiting the phone call letting you know that they are safe or waiting for them to walk through the door and know that they are safely under your roof so that you can finally go to sleep.
In between those stages there are a million different experiences you will have with your children that will cause your heart to ache and to burst with joy. There is nothing that can prepare us as parents for the first time your child comes home with a river of tears because they have had their feelings hurt or for their first inconsolable heartbreak. Those are the moments that you realize there is nothing you can say that will make them feel any better; you can only hold them and love them and tell them that it will pass. All those things that we want to shield our children from that are unavoidable in life. We want to protect them forever and realize that we cannot. Each time your child is in pain whether it is emotional or due to some physical injury your heart feels like it is being torn from your chest and at that moment you would give anything to trade places with them in the hopes that you could somehow spare them their agony.
Our hearts swell with pride at the accomplishments achieved and by watching our children do more than they thought they were capable of. The older they get the faster the time goes by and all the wishing in the world won't slow it down. Each school year seems to fly by faster and faster as your child grows taller and taller. Eventually they need you less and less (for their basic needs) and begin to declare their independence (at least in public) which is gut wrenching to endure. It is hard when they no longer want to be read a bedtime story or wish to hold your hand or think that you are the most magical person in the world because you mysteriously solve all things...
I like to peek on each of my children after they are asleep and before I retire at night. As I look at their peaceful faces I can still catch glimpses of the babies I cradled in my arms. If I look at my 13 year old's hands I can still remember how it felt when they fit snugly in mine and when she would look up at me with eyes that thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. When I see my 11 year old fixing her own hair in the mirror, I still see the reflection of a three year old standing on a step stool wearing my brand new lipstick all over her face. When I hear my 9 year old singing a song while she practices her guitar, I still hear her singing one of her favorite nursery rhymes that she would beg me to listen to over and over. And when I hear my 3 year old cry during a tantrum, sometimes he trails off into that same familiar cry that I first heard the moment he was born; the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
Each day with our children is a gift, even the difficult ones. We have them for such a short time before we send them out into the world. Hopefully, if we have done a good job then they will be prepared and they will always return to us. Don't say things in anger that you can never take back for they last a lifetime. Be patient above all things as it will come back to you tenfold. Be honest, even when it's hard. Be their parent rather than their "friend", as that will come later. Always part on good terms. Never say goodbye with distance between you. Make sure that you tell them that you love them every single day without exception and be the person that they can always depend on, as others will surely let them down.
Parenthood is our biggest demonstration of faith as human beings. There is no instruction booklet and nothing but contradicting information from every angle. We somehow have faith that we can do what we think we aren't capable of doing from the moment they come into our lives until the moment we leave theirs. Life is what happens in between and the lessons we teach them give them the tools to have their own faith in not only the world but also in themselves.
In between those stages there are a million different experiences you will have with your children that will cause your heart to ache and to burst with joy. There is nothing that can prepare us as parents for the first time your child comes home with a river of tears because they have had their feelings hurt or for their first inconsolable heartbreak. Those are the moments that you realize there is nothing you can say that will make them feel any better; you can only hold them and love them and tell them that it will pass. All those things that we want to shield our children from that are unavoidable in life. We want to protect them forever and realize that we cannot. Each time your child is in pain whether it is emotional or due to some physical injury your heart feels like it is being torn from your chest and at that moment you would give anything to trade places with them in the hopes that you could somehow spare them their agony.
Our hearts swell with pride at the accomplishments achieved and by watching our children do more than they thought they were capable of. The older they get the faster the time goes by and all the wishing in the world won't slow it down. Each school year seems to fly by faster and faster as your child grows taller and taller. Eventually they need you less and less (for their basic needs) and begin to declare their independence (at least in public) which is gut wrenching to endure. It is hard when they no longer want to be read a bedtime story or wish to hold your hand or think that you are the most magical person in the world because you mysteriously solve all things...
I like to peek on each of my children after they are asleep and before I retire at night. As I look at their peaceful faces I can still catch glimpses of the babies I cradled in my arms. If I look at my 13 year old's hands I can still remember how it felt when they fit snugly in mine and when she would look up at me with eyes that thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world. When I see my 11 year old fixing her own hair in the mirror, I still see the reflection of a three year old standing on a step stool wearing my brand new lipstick all over her face. When I hear my 9 year old singing a song while she practices her guitar, I still hear her singing one of her favorite nursery rhymes that she would beg me to listen to over and over. And when I hear my 3 year old cry during a tantrum, sometimes he trails off into that same familiar cry that I first heard the moment he was born; the most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
Each day with our children is a gift, even the difficult ones. We have them for such a short time before we send them out into the world. Hopefully, if we have done a good job then they will be prepared and they will always return to us. Don't say things in anger that you can never take back for they last a lifetime. Be patient above all things as it will come back to you tenfold. Be honest, even when it's hard. Be their parent rather than their "friend", as that will come later. Always part on good terms. Never say goodbye with distance between you. Make sure that you tell them that you love them every single day without exception and be the person that they can always depend on, as others will surely let them down.
Parenthood is our biggest demonstration of faith as human beings. There is no instruction booklet and nothing but contradicting information from every angle. We somehow have faith that we can do what we think we aren't capable of doing from the moment they come into our lives until the moment we leave theirs. Life is what happens in between and the lessons we teach them give them the tools to have their own faith in not only the world but also in themselves.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
DON'T MISS THOSE OPPORTUNITIES TO MAKE MEMORIES
How many of you start your day behind before you even get out of bed??? More often than not you were the last to go to sleep and the first to rise (both in the dark). Hard as you try you just can't manage to cram everything that presents itself as a need into a 24 hour period! Your to do list is long and often impossible to achieve; therefore, you have set yourselves up for failure with no hope of redemption. The obvious downside of "motherdom" is that there are simply no vacations, sick days or personal days coupled with the reality that the pay is either non existent or miniscule. Clearly, we aren't in it for the tangible rewards, but rather for the rewards that are unseen.
Let's be honest. We put more stress on ourselves than anyone else. Why? Who are we trying to impress? Most people are worrying about putting on a show for people who aren't even watching or care! Learn to be organized. Set realistic goals that are actually achievable and stop wasting what precious time you have with your family by being someone who flies through their lives in a blur of constant motion. There are special opportunities every day to make a lasting memory. Sometimes it's as simple as taking five extra minutes at the end of the day to read a story to your child and giving them your undivided attention. It is saying "Yes" to your teenager who is wanting to learn to drive by letting them circle around in a parking lot for ten minutes rather than telling them that you just don't have the time... It is using your "nice" dishes for a meal once a week to make the people you love feel special or simply giving your husband a passionate kiss that is unexpected. Whenever moments present themselves be ready and WILLING!
The moments your family will remember throughout their lives are the ones that they connected with you in. Those are the good ones... the ones that stick. Even the simple ones. So when you go to bed tonight, rearrange your to do list with the important things like 1. Spend ten minutes alone with each of my children tomorrow 2. Kiss my husband 3. Be grateful for the gift of my family, etc... When you re-prioritize your life you will find that those things that used to seem so important can usually just wait. The rewards will be huge...
Let's be honest. We put more stress on ourselves than anyone else. Why? Who are we trying to impress? Most people are worrying about putting on a show for people who aren't even watching or care! Learn to be organized. Set realistic goals that are actually achievable and stop wasting what precious time you have with your family by being someone who flies through their lives in a blur of constant motion. There are special opportunities every day to make a lasting memory. Sometimes it's as simple as taking five extra minutes at the end of the day to read a story to your child and giving them your undivided attention. It is saying "Yes" to your teenager who is wanting to learn to drive by letting them circle around in a parking lot for ten minutes rather than telling them that you just don't have the time... It is using your "nice" dishes for a meal once a week to make the people you love feel special or simply giving your husband a passionate kiss that is unexpected. Whenever moments present themselves be ready and WILLING!
The moments your family will remember throughout their lives are the ones that they connected with you in. Those are the good ones... the ones that stick. Even the simple ones. So when you go to bed tonight, rearrange your to do list with the important things like 1. Spend ten minutes alone with each of my children tomorrow 2. Kiss my husband 3. Be grateful for the gift of my family, etc... When you re-prioritize your life you will find that those things that used to seem so important can usually just wait. The rewards will be huge...
Friday, January 29, 2010
BEING APPRECIATIVE RATHER THAN CRITICAL OF SOMEONE'S HELP
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you helped someone complete a task and instead of saying, "Thank you for helping me." they just criticized the way that you did the job? For example, pretend that you helped your husband organize some things in the garage to make his life easier and rather thank thanking you for the help, he only criticized the way you labeled the boxes. Would it make you wonder why you bothered to help in the first place? Of course it would. Why do people do that??? Why do WE do that??? Why is it so hard to relinquish control in order to make our lives easier? By insisting that we do everything ourselves we only make life harder instead.
Whether you delegate jobs to others or receive the generosity of help from someone else, do not force your obsessive compulsive tendencies onto them. There are many ways to get jobs done, all of which can be considered "right." If your child offers to help fold the laundry ( I know it's a long shot ) and they fold the towels "wrong," resist the urge to correct them and just say thank you for the help and simply put the towels away. Isn't the point to have the laundry folded and put away? Why does it have to be perfect? It doesn't. The five minutes your child saved you by helping with the towels is five minutes extra you have to do something your child wants to do, not to mention the quality time you spent together folding the laundry. If a child is constantly criticized then they learn to be judgmental.
Sometimes we get so caught up in tedious details that we lose sight of the point. By doing so we also risk hurting other people that we care about. It is easy to go through life in an "unconscious" manner made up of schedules, routines and to do lists. Take the time to "consciously" go through your day and to "consciously" be aware of how you interact with those around you. Remember that kindness never goes out of style...
Whether you delegate jobs to others or receive the generosity of help from someone else, do not force your obsessive compulsive tendencies onto them. There are many ways to get jobs done, all of which can be considered "right." If your child offers to help fold the laundry ( I know it's a long shot ) and they fold the towels "wrong," resist the urge to correct them and just say thank you for the help and simply put the towels away. Isn't the point to have the laundry folded and put away? Why does it have to be perfect? It doesn't. The five minutes your child saved you by helping with the towels is five minutes extra you have to do something your child wants to do, not to mention the quality time you spent together folding the laundry. If a child is constantly criticized then they learn to be judgmental.
Sometimes we get so caught up in tedious details that we lose sight of the point. By doing so we also risk hurting other people that we care about. It is easy to go through life in an "unconscious" manner made up of schedules, routines and to do lists. Take the time to "consciously" go through your day and to "consciously" be aware of how you interact with those around you. Remember that kindness never goes out of style...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
COUNTING OUR BLESSINGS
We've all heard the old cliche "Count your blessings." How often do any of us really stop to do just that? It seems that we get so caught up in being bogged down with everything that is going wrong in our lives that we seldom stop to appreciate all the things that are right in our lives. I am just as guilty of this as the next person. It's easy to think that whatever crisis you are currently encountering is overwhelming and debilitating or that you are the only person on the planet that something bad is happening to. Have you ever noticed that the more you concentrate on what you're unhappy about the more things you can find that make you unhappy? It's a strange phenomenon. We tend to focus on things that are usually beyond our control and allow our emotions to quickly spiral downward instead of opting for gratitude.
Worrying is a useless emotion and demonstrates a complete lack of faith. Most of the time if we choose to approach a crisis with logic as opposed to panic we could foresee a better outcome. If you put pen to paper and made a list of pros and cons you would probably learn that you have a lot more in the positive column. It is important to rid yourself of any unnecessary garbage in your life and that includes toxic people. Don't surround yourself with people who don't positively impact your life. Depression and negativity are contagious and spread like wildfire. It is sad that so many people can only seem to find happiness in undermining the happiness of others. Many times the only way miserable people can feel better about themselves is to destroy other people that they perceive as happy or people who are undeserving of happiness.
The world is in a sorry state of affairs these days with people lacking morals and ethics. Give your children the gift of optimism. Start your day with hope rather than with dread learn to be thankful at the end of the day for the gifts that you might be taking for granted. I'm not talking about deep philosophical soul searching but rather simple gratitude. One way to do this is to make a list either every day or every week of at least five things that you are grateful for. It will probably lead to many more than five. Take the opportunity to tell the people in your life that they are loved and appreciated. Imagine if everyone we came into contact with were doing that! We would all probably interact differently with one another.
My 38th birthday is next week and I'm not one of those people to dread each passing year with the fear of aging. My dad, sister and brother traveled from California to surprise me for my birthday with the help of my husband. They took me to dinner at my favorite restaurant. As I was listening to the waiters and my family sing "Happy Birthday" and looking at the faces of the people that I love, I was overcome with gratitude. I was thankful for the health of my children, my family, my home all the things in my life. At that moment, I could wish for nothing more. As I blew out my candle, I simply said, "Thank you."
Worrying is a useless emotion and demonstrates a complete lack of faith. Most of the time if we choose to approach a crisis with logic as opposed to panic we could foresee a better outcome. If you put pen to paper and made a list of pros and cons you would probably learn that you have a lot more in the positive column. It is important to rid yourself of any unnecessary garbage in your life and that includes toxic people. Don't surround yourself with people who don't positively impact your life. Depression and negativity are contagious and spread like wildfire. It is sad that so many people can only seem to find happiness in undermining the happiness of others. Many times the only way miserable people can feel better about themselves is to destroy other people that they perceive as happy or people who are undeserving of happiness.
The world is in a sorry state of affairs these days with people lacking morals and ethics. Give your children the gift of optimism. Start your day with hope rather than with dread learn to be thankful at the end of the day for the gifts that you might be taking for granted. I'm not talking about deep philosophical soul searching but rather simple gratitude. One way to do this is to make a list either every day or every week of at least five things that you are grateful for. It will probably lead to many more than five. Take the opportunity to tell the people in your life that they are loved and appreciated. Imagine if everyone we came into contact with were doing that! We would all probably interact differently with one another.
My 38th birthday is next week and I'm not one of those people to dread each passing year with the fear of aging. My dad, sister and brother traveled from California to surprise me for my birthday with the help of my husband. They took me to dinner at my favorite restaurant. As I was listening to the waiters and my family sing "Happy Birthday" and looking at the faces of the people that I love, I was overcome with gratitude. I was thankful for the health of my children, my family, my home all the things in my life. At that moment, I could wish for nothing more. As I blew out my candle, I simply said, "Thank you."
Thursday, January 21, 2010
LEARNING TO EMPOWER YOUR CHILDREN RATHER THAN ENABLING THEM
As a wife and mother to four children between the ages of 13 to 3, I often write about my own experiences whether they be successes or failures in the hopes of helping other women overcome their daily struggles. That is how my career as an author began; I wrote about what I knew. My latest book, The Happy Wife & The Happy Mother chronicles my journey down both roads. Don't get me wrong... it is not an autobiography but rather a 7 Step Program intended to aid in the success of your family. There are those days when I feel like my roles are those of "Miserable Wife & Frustrated Mother."
I can remember being in my Senior English class of high school where we were asked about what career we were interested in pursuing as adults. My response was, "I want to be a writer. I also want to have a career that isn't boring and has something new and different to look forward to each day!" Ask and you shall receive. My first career was that of wife and mother before I became a writer and I got exactly what I asked for! Not one day has been the same as the one before... Each day presents itself with a new set of challenges. Like many mothers I have been guilty of wanting better and more for my children than I had as a child. That often leads to giving in to our children when it is unnecessary or simply giving to them in excess. Both habits hurt our children more than they help them even though we have the very best of intentions.
I have learned that it isn't always the best idea to rush to my children's defense when a problem arises before I have all the information. That isn't to say that you aren't ALWAYS your child's advocate, but rather helping them to view situations in an objective light and learning to make reasonable decisions as opposed to ones made in haste. This exact scenario came up at our dinner table two nights ago. We take the opportunity to eat dinner as a family at least 5 or 6 nights a week and during our meal we discuss collectively the events of our day. When it was my 13 yr. old daughter's turn... actually she didn't even wait for her turn because she was so distraught that she had to blurt out what was eating her up inside, she exclaimed, "I MADE A 28 ON MY SCIENCE QUIZ AND I GOT ALL THE ANSWERS RIGHT!!!!" My husband and I exchanged our raised eyebrow expression that said to one another, "Yeah, uh huh... that makes sense." I asked her to please explain this profound miscarriage of justice.
I was all settled in for a lengthy explanation when to my surprise it was quite simple. Her teacher was an idiot who wasn't qualified to teach. She ended her explanation with, "So when are you going up there to talk to her???" Simple enough. March myself up to the Jr. High and demand a conference with the science teacher who had the nerve to give MY daughter a 28 on a quiz!! That was surely the best way for my daughter to improve her grade and gain the admiration and respect of the aforementioned idiot. No problem... at least not in my daughter's opinion anyway. I'm not completely heartless. Of course my initial response as a mother was to rush to my child's defense and actually believe that she had been discriminated against in some way. It was at that point that I took off the "mother goggles" that inhibit me from seeing my children's wrongs and looked at the situation with objectivity.
After talking for 30 minutes with our daughter in a complete circle we had at last come to the bottom of it. She had combined two steps in a cycle rather than individualizing them, thus causing her to miss every subsequent step which resulted in a 28. I told her that the 28 was already in effect and the best that she could hope for was to try to bring it up to at least a passing grade. In her defense, she did get all steps in the correct order and her 28 didn't accurately reflect her knowledge of the assignment; therefore, she had some bargaining power. I asked her to approach the situation with diplomacy rather than arrogance. I explained that situations escalate when people feel attacked and they become defensive. I further explained that when she had her first job and her boss gave her an impossible deadline that I wouldn't be there to walk in to his office and demand that he be fair to my baby! Unless of course she wanted to get fired. I told her that she needed to learn how to handle conflict with grace and restraint even if the other party was undeserving.
Even though my natural instinct was to rush to her defense and to protect her, I knew that it was the wrong message to send her. The truth was that I wouldn't always be there to bail her out, even if I wanted to. She is growing up whether I am ready or not and it is my job to give her the tools she needs to be an independent contributing member of society. It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but she at least pretended to listen to my lecture and promised to give it a good faith effort. I was proud of her for at least trying to be diplomatic when she clearly felt like she had been crucified.
I spent today feeling proud of how well I had handled that situation knowing that her teacher would appreciate the maturity my daughter exhibited in simply presenting the facts and offering to do whatever was necessary to bring her failing grade up to passing and prove that she did in fact grasp the concept of the lesson. At 4:45 this afternoon my daughter walked through the door and said, "Well, she said that was too bad. I got a 28 and I was going to keep a 28." I asked her if she used the tactics that I had discussed with her and she replied, "Of course I did and she wasn't impressed in the least." Now it looks like I will be marching myself up to the Jr. High tomorrow and demanding a conference with the science teacher to tell her that she is an idiot who isn't qualified to teach.
I can remember being in my Senior English class of high school where we were asked about what career we were interested in pursuing as adults. My response was, "I want to be a writer. I also want to have a career that isn't boring and has something new and different to look forward to each day!" Ask and you shall receive. My first career was that of wife and mother before I became a writer and I got exactly what I asked for! Not one day has been the same as the one before... Each day presents itself with a new set of challenges. Like many mothers I have been guilty of wanting better and more for my children than I had as a child. That often leads to giving in to our children when it is unnecessary or simply giving to them in excess. Both habits hurt our children more than they help them even though we have the very best of intentions.
I have learned that it isn't always the best idea to rush to my children's defense when a problem arises before I have all the information. That isn't to say that you aren't ALWAYS your child's advocate, but rather helping them to view situations in an objective light and learning to make reasonable decisions as opposed to ones made in haste. This exact scenario came up at our dinner table two nights ago. We take the opportunity to eat dinner as a family at least 5 or 6 nights a week and during our meal we discuss collectively the events of our day. When it was my 13 yr. old daughter's turn... actually she didn't even wait for her turn because she was so distraught that she had to blurt out what was eating her up inside, she exclaimed, "I MADE A 28 ON MY SCIENCE QUIZ AND I GOT ALL THE ANSWERS RIGHT!!!!" My husband and I exchanged our raised eyebrow expression that said to one another, "Yeah, uh huh... that makes sense." I asked her to please explain this profound miscarriage of justice.
I was all settled in for a lengthy explanation when to my surprise it was quite simple. Her teacher was an idiot who wasn't qualified to teach. She ended her explanation with, "So when are you going up there to talk to her???" Simple enough. March myself up to the Jr. High and demand a conference with the science teacher who had the nerve to give MY daughter a 28 on a quiz!! That was surely the best way for my daughter to improve her grade and gain the admiration and respect of the aforementioned idiot. No problem... at least not in my daughter's opinion anyway. I'm not completely heartless. Of course my initial response as a mother was to rush to my child's defense and actually believe that she had been discriminated against in some way. It was at that point that I took off the "mother goggles" that inhibit me from seeing my children's wrongs and looked at the situation with objectivity.
After talking for 30 minutes with our daughter in a complete circle we had at last come to the bottom of it. She had combined two steps in a cycle rather than individualizing them, thus causing her to miss every subsequent step which resulted in a 28. I told her that the 28 was already in effect and the best that she could hope for was to try to bring it up to at least a passing grade. In her defense, she did get all steps in the correct order and her 28 didn't accurately reflect her knowledge of the assignment; therefore, she had some bargaining power. I asked her to approach the situation with diplomacy rather than arrogance. I explained that situations escalate when people feel attacked and they become defensive. I further explained that when she had her first job and her boss gave her an impossible deadline that I wouldn't be there to walk in to his office and demand that he be fair to my baby! Unless of course she wanted to get fired. I told her that she needed to learn how to handle conflict with grace and restraint even if the other party was undeserving.
Even though my natural instinct was to rush to her defense and to protect her, I knew that it was the wrong message to send her. The truth was that I wouldn't always be there to bail her out, even if I wanted to. She is growing up whether I am ready or not and it is my job to give her the tools she needs to be an independent contributing member of society. It wasn't what she wanted to hear, but she at least pretended to listen to my lecture and promised to give it a good faith effort. I was proud of her for at least trying to be diplomatic when she clearly felt like she had been crucified.
I spent today feeling proud of how well I had handled that situation knowing that her teacher would appreciate the maturity my daughter exhibited in simply presenting the facts and offering to do whatever was necessary to bring her failing grade up to passing and prove that she did in fact grasp the concept of the lesson. At 4:45 this afternoon my daughter walked through the door and said, "Well, she said that was too bad. I got a 28 and I was going to keep a 28." I asked her if she used the tactics that I had discussed with her and she replied, "Of course I did and she wasn't impressed in the least." Now it looks like I will be marching myself up to the Jr. High tomorrow and demanding a conference with the science teacher to tell her that she is an idiot who isn't qualified to teach.
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